I'm no expert in the love department, but I’m a keen observer and I know certain things to be true. I’ve learned some lessons the hard way. Others I’ve been lucky enough to learn by observation. From these lessons, I’ve extracted five universal truths in regards to love. They’re born out of situations that I’ve seen arise time and time again, but by no means comprise a complete list of relationship rules.
1. If they tell you they’re crazy, they probably are. Insanity is not romantic, folks. If someone tells you from the start they’re the overly-jealous type, or that they haven’t left the house in two months because they’re afraid to go outside, or that they’ve attempted suicide twice in the last year because they can’t find someone who loves them enough, you should probably thank them for the fair warning and get the hell out. If you choose to stick around anyway, don’t be surprised when they make you go crazy with them.
2. Consensual experimentation is a good thing. When it’s carried out safely, experimenting sexually with someone you trust can do fabulous things for your relationship. It will help you find what you like and don’t like (and what you really, really like), keep things interesting, and maximize your overall sexual pleasure. That being said, we should triple underline the word “consensual.” Sexual experimentation is a trust exercise and should be carried out only with the consent of both parties. In other words, ask your partner before you choke her.
3. Sharing is caring. This is a simple, friend-making skill we should have all learned in preschool, but which some people never pick up. A relationship is like a see-saw; it requires a delicate balance of give and take. Don’t make your girlfriend drive everywhere. Don’t make your boyfriend foot the bill every time. You’re partners; you’re sharing all or a portion of your life together. No money? No worries. There are many ways to pay back a deed. Make him dinner. Massage her feet. Clean the apartment. Just don’t be a freeloader.
4. When you help yourself, you help the relationship. Emotional freeloading can weigh just as heavily on a relationship as financial freeloading. True, partners should support and help each other. This is important. But it’s not fair for one partner to place the burden of his/her happiness squarely on the other’s shoulders. This forces one person’s life to be eclipsed by another’s; the happiness of one party becomes the responsibility of both parties, forcing the other party’s needs out of the picture. The key here is to learn to help yourself. Be the steward of your own happiness. If you’re unhappy in your job, find a way to be happy, or find another. If you’re feeling lonely, go out and make some new friends. Your life is yours. Take control.
5. Alcohol is poison. Nothing spells disaster like a sloppy drunk. Who wants to drag homeboy out of an Ybor bar at 2 a.m. and drive his drunk ass back to St. Petersburg? That’s not sexy. Neither is seeing your delicate flower of a girlfriend puke all over your Persian rug and then tell you she accidentally screwed someone else. Whether you’re in it for the long run or the short run, I recommend you put down the bottle.
Take a step back and look at yourself. Is your nightly boozing wearing out your old lady? When was the last time you sat in the driver’s seat? Are you stifling in the sack because you’re afraid to try new things? You don’t have to internalize any of what you just read, but if you’ve made it this far, it’s probably because you know these things to be true. You’ve probably seen these mistakes being made time and time again, just like I have, and you probably learned some of these lessons the hard way, just like I did. And if I know anything about people, and I think I do, I know they’ll keep learning these lessons the hard way. But you don't have to.
This article appears in Dec 16-22, 2009.