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How do you think the patriarchy affects lesbianism? For instance, do you think many people say they are bisexual because they are socially conditioned to like men?—Anna Lyzing Lezzer

Hi Anna, your first question has inspired millions of pages of research and analysis. There are one billion answers. So let’s focus more on the second, more specific question about whether some bisexuals of the sapphic persuasion are only bisexual because they’re conditioned to like men.

I believe that every person’s sexuality is influenced by a lot of factors. A lot of people who are attracted to men might be attracted to them because they were socially conditioned that way. If that’s the case, so be it.

You might instead be asking about people who convince themselves they are attracted to men even when they are not, because dating men is expected of them or is easier. These people experience compulsory heterosexuality, or “comp-het.”

Some lesbians will tell you that they were once genuinely attracted to men, while others will tell you they were in a relationship with a man only because they felt like they had to be. Others still will tell you they always knew. All of these people are probably correct about their own experiences.

How do you know if someone is genuinely bisexual, or is just experiencing comp-het? You don’t. If someone says they’re attracted to men, you won’t convince them otherwise by telling them they’re wrong. Bisexual women exist, and for many, dating a man is the right move.

Maybe later, a bisexual person will realize they were never truly attracted to their partner, or they will realize they are no longer attracted to men. That’s none of your business. You probably can’t predict their situation any better than they can.

Got a burning question? Ask a Dyke at sapphicsunfl.com/ask

If you suspect a close friend might be denying their own sexuality, and you feel that it is working to their own detriment, you can sometimes broach this topic with them. Just remember that you might be wrong, and even if you’re not, putting your friend on the defensive won’t help them. Most people have to come to realizations on their own terms, and no bisexual person wants to be bombarded by people insisting they’re wrong about their sexuality.

Some people would prefer that they be able to dictate the sexuality of another person. Parents who tell their gay children it’s a phase, homophobes who advocate for conversion therapy and men who make the disturbing claim that they can “turn” lesbians are all part of this group.

Obviously, those people are getting the wrong message. Sexuality is probably fluid, but you almost certainly can’t actively choose your sexuality. If you are gay and went to a church, you were probably told that “same-sex attraction” is something you “struggle with” that can be suppressed or otherwise changed. You probably realized that was wrong, and hopefully you did so quickly.

So yes, the patriarchy convinces a lot of lesbians that they’re really attracted to men. The best way to fight this is to push back on the stigma against lesbianism. This fight probably starts with the homophobes who seek to integrate their beliefs in every religion and culture, not with your dubiously-bisexual book club buddy.

Yours in love, Jane Dyke

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