YOU DEPLETE ME
I've always detected an undertone of condescension from my boyfriend whenever we discuss any subject more complex than the color of a stop sign. He's always enjoyed proving me wrong, but lately, he's become downright patronizing. For example, I'm working toward my Ph.D. in molecular biology, and yesterday he remarked how "adorable" I was to be working so hard at "learning science." When I tell him this attitude makes me feel bad, he smugly assures me that, in his opinion, I'm in the planet's top 10 percent in terms of intelligence. To his credit, he works as a computer guru for a business, and he's probably the smartest person I know. But, really, "adorable"? Am I taking myself too seriously, or am I right in taking offense?
-Minimized
"Adorable" is a word that could be used to describe Albert Einstein, who, on a dark night on the planet Endor, could easily be mistaken for one of Star Wars' furry Ewoks. That said, in reference to his intellect, he is rarely discussed in terms typically used to comment on a Yorkshire terrier in a pink hoodie poking its head out of some little old lady's purse.
Surely, you have professors who take perverse pleasure in making students suspect they should trade in their questions about recombinant DNA and genome sequencing for simpler lines of inquiry, like "Paper or plastic?" When you're having a bad brain day (about every other day in grad school), the last thing you need is a boyfriend who treats you like you might sprain that wee female mind of yours by playing biologist. It's customary to expect emotional support from your partner, and not just in the form of insults tarted up to pass as compliments. Sure, he can play it like he's saying something sweet - just as you can feign civility by saying "pardon me" to some drugstore aisle-hogger, but use a tone that makes plain what you really mean: "Out of the way, you self-absorbed jerk!"
So, he's "the smartest person" you know. Poor man, so burdened by genius, he can't help but let the condescension fly: "Need a tan? Why not bask in my greatness? Oh, and while you're at it, get me a beer." Somebody who feels intellectually secure doesn't need to treat you like you're on academic probation from the community college's balloon animal sculpture program. Take Einstein, for example. He explained one of his theories so your hamster could understand it: "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
It's a good thing you have some seriously powerful microscopes at your disposal. You'll need one to find the love in a guy whose idea of affection is making you feel really, really small; probably in hopes of convincing you you're too tiny to reach up and turn the doorknob to leave. Unfortunately, latent hostility is no substitute for love. The time to inform your boyfriend of this was the first time he helped you work the light switch so you wouldn't have to tax that ball of lint you have where your brain should be. The second time, if any, should have been his final warning.
Break up with him … over a bunch of little digs? A guy who isn't comfortable enough with who he is and what he does for a living to be nice to you is a guy who doesn't belong in your life. Don't minimize being minimized. Sure, each putdown seems like a drop in the bucket. But, let a leak go long enough, and you've got the Grand Canyon.
THE WRITING IS
ON THE WALLEYE
I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a month. Is it too much to ask that he voluntarily spend his day off with me instead of going fishing? Also, how much of a woman's "You made me sad because..." can the average man take before he goes fishing permanently?
-Fishing Widow
What does a striped bass have to offer your boyfriend that you don't? Just a guess, but … silence? Let's see, he can either hang around the house while you wring your hanky and recite a laundry list of his failings, or sit out in a boat humming, "I don't have a thought in my head, this is great." A man who wants to spend time with you will, but no amount of nagging and clinging is going to make him throw down his fishing pole. Men need alone time. How much alone time a particular man needs says a lot about how much togetherness time you're likely to share in the near future. Chances are, a man who seems to be in a long distance relationship with you, but without the distance, is no longer your boyfriend; just some fisherman you used to know.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail [email protected] (www.advicegoddess.com)
