Feeling a little pinched for the holidays this year — which is pretty much like every other year? Perhaps you're flush with bucks but are not predisposed to spending it on lavish gifts for friends and family. Maybe you're just a chintzy weasel. Whatever the case, holiday gift-giving does not have to be expensive — that is, if you're willing to take a few shortcuts and perhaps look like a chintzy weasel. Here are a few tips:
Personal coupons: An absolutely terrific custom. Let's say you and the spouse look at the checkbook balance and decide to make this year a frugal Christmas. Write out promissory notes. A domestic slouch like me might make one "Redeemable for three bathtub scrubbings." Another one could be: "Good for [INSERT FAVORITE MEAL]." Of course, such coupons can be for more intimate services. Let your imagination run wild. I'd much rather receive a coupon from a teenager saying "Good for two car washes" than a bottle of cheap aftershave.
Draw names out of a hat: A practice that's very adult and fiscally responsible. There are many ways to do this, but I'll share the one my family uses: Instead of every sibling and every spouse giving and getting a gift, break it down into pairs by drawing names. "Eric, you have Krissie this year," comes the announcement from my wife in November. This approach saves money, but raises the stakes. Even though we put a price limit on our gifts, there's more pressure to make them "special." It doesn't always work out that way. One example lingers in my mind: the time in the '80s my sister-in-law gave me a belt that was easily an inch wider than was accepted fashion. (I should've kept it; a decade-and-a-half on, it would've been the height of style.)
Re-gifting: How desperate does one have to be to receive each gift with an eye toward giving it later on? Takes the concept of better-to-give-than-to-receive to demented lengths. Re-gifting is better looked at as a serendipitous opportunity: that rare time when you receive a present that you find repugnant, but also strikes you as absolutely perfect for someone else. Someone gives you calf-high jackboots; you feign delight while earmarking them for your mohawked nephew. Re-gifting comes with risks, of course. I once got a book for Christmas that I had given as a birthday present some months earlier. (It was slightly worn and a name had been erased on the inside cover.) I said nothing, of course, but would've loved to know how many times it had been gifted until it re-reached me.
Free stuff that comes into the office: At the Weekly Planet, we're inundated with promotional stuff. CDs, DVDs, books, T-shirts, hats and all sorts of other trinkets, memorabilia and such. It's called swag. The redirection of swag can be a very effective means for gifting on the cheap. Chances are, you don't work in a swag-intensive environment, but even so, keep your eyes peeled around the workplace. A 20-pack of blank CDs could be perfect for the teenaged music downloader in your life. Be careful, though; there's a fine line between absconding with office leftovers and something called theft. If you are fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of real swag, be careful about allocating it as presents. For instance, refrain from giving grandma the deluxe reissue of The Devil in Miss Jones.
Thrift store shopping: Not too efficient. First, you have to really know the person's taste to buy that perfect "vintage" shirt for $2.50 — not to mention that your giftee must be predisposed to thrift-store wear; otherwise, you'll just look like a cheap bastard. Second, it can be very time-consuming to sift through all sorts of crap to find that perfectly unique item at a ridiculously low price. When it's all said and done, you'll probably have been better off dropping the 30 bucks on something new in the mall. Oh, and by thrift stores we do not mean vintage shops. Those places will usually set you back more than if you bought something new. A couple of tips if you try this: Ties are good; shoes are not.
Make stuff: This used to be a pretty common practice — among Pilgrims and the like. I guess it could still work today; just count me out. The stuff that people can make — doilies and such — aren't going to end up on my Christmas wish list. And I've yet to come across a decent homemade DVD player.
Give abstract gifts that no one can track: The best example of this is giving someone extraterrestrial real estate. You can buy an acre of the moon, or the lot for your future dream house on Mars, on sites all over the Internet (just Google "Buy Land on the Moon") — usually for about $20-$30. If you have decent computer skills, though, you can re-create the "deed" for the property and pay nothing. This is fraudulent, yes, but who's gonna know? It's not as if they have timeshares up there.
Volunteer: This was proffered by my colleagues, so I feel compelled to include it. The idea is this: Instead of indulging in the decadent exchange of presents that exacerbates the scourge of commercial culture, volunteer for a charity during the holiday season. Give the gift of you — your toil, your sweat, your good intentions. You could try St. Vincent DePaul (813-977-7057, Tampa), or perhaps the Suicide and Crisis Hotline (suicidehotlines.com/florida.html). Me? I'll be in my recliner, deep in a post-meal nap (while the women-folk clean up the kitchen).
Shoplifting: An extremely effective way of saving money on gifts. Needs no explanation. We do not recommend it.
