I don't know if you've been to P.F. Chang's in Tampa's Westshore Plaza, but the P.F. Chang's in '90s Los Angeles was the chi-chi place to be, where the skinny, tall and deeeluscious hung out waiting to be discovered by producers and sugar daddies. Me? I was an awkward, pimply-faced frog who didn't belong. That was when I had a major case of "why can't I look like them?!"
You see, I was born with thick, bushy eyebrows, thanks to ancestors who probably had great uses for them. Thousands of years ago, those eyebrows protected my Neanderthal relatives from predators. They'd wrap those thick cable brows around their head, do a primal yell and wave their arms like an orangutan in heat. Prehistoric sabretooths would be scared shitless and scamper off. Of course, unwrapping the brows proved quite complicated; they had yet to invent Paul Mitchell conditioner.
The next evolution of brow use was in the hot summer heat, when those hairy shelves prevented forehead sweat from dripping into pots of horse stew quietly simmering on the outdoor fire-pit. My great-great grandfather could have been a world-class mahjong player — those bushy brows shielding his mahjong "tells" from other players. My mom's second cousin's daughter even hung salted fish from her brows to dry.
That trait has been passed down to me. Obviously, those eyebrows were destined for some great, honorable use, and I totally ruined thousands of years of family legacy with an innocent tool called the Tweezerman.
I blame it on that night at P.F. Chang's, when I thought what separated me from the sea of gorgeous models were my brows. How wrong I was. I had forgotten about family trait number two: I'm 5 foot 1 and 15 pounds overweight.
While I never figured out how to grow an extra 6 inches, I did figure out how to recreate the flavors of my favorite P.F. Chang's dish — Minced Pork Lettuce Cups. In my version, I've made a similar filling with ground chicken, flavored by hoisin (Chinese BBQ sauce) and oyster sauce, and stuffed it inside store-bought puff pastry. It's a little sweet, a little salty and requires no tweezing.
Chinese BBQ Chicken Pastries
makes 8 large puffs
1/2 pound ground chicken - marinated for 15 minutes in:
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon Shaoxing wine
1/2 teaspoon sesame oil
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/4 teaspoon pepper
2 garlic cloves, smushed in garlic press
1/2 teaspoon minced ginger (use microplane grater)
1/4 cup minced green onion
1/2 cup minced onion
1/4 cup minced canned bamboo shoots
1 tablespoon oyster sauce
1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
1 package frozen puff pastry, thawed
1 egg + 1 tablespoon water
1 teaspoon garlic-chili hot sauce
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
1. Fry the aromatics: In a wok or large sauté pan, heat about 1 tablespoon of cooking oil over medium-high heat. When hot, add onion. Fry until onions are softened, about one minute. Add green onions, garlic and ginger. Fry another minute until fragrant. Turn heat to high.
2. Fry the chicken: Add the marinated ground chicken and bamboo shoots. Fry until the chicken is about 80 percent cooked through. Add oyster, hoisin and hot sauce. Stir through. Taste. Need more salt? Add soy or oyster. Need more sweet/salty? Add more hoisin. More heat? Add hot sauce. Spread on plate to cool. Tip the plate to one side and discard excess juice.
3. Wrap: Take your thawed puff pastry and cut each sheet into four squares. Spoon filling onto one side, brush egg wash on the edges and bring over to fold into a triangle. Pinch to seal tightly, place on baking sheet. Brush egg wash on the tops of the pastry. Repeat with remaining.
4. Bake 350 degrees for 20 minutes until golden brown. Serve with some hot sauce on side.
