We've all had that idea.
Maybe it was for a new service or business, maybe for a new twist on a familiar product or a completely new invention.
We thought it was funny at first when we told our friends about it and everybody laughed. But when we tried to dismiss it, it kept coming back to mind again and again.
We began actively turning it over in our minds, perhaps tweaking it a little, refining it, perhaps just dwelling on it, letting it grow more and more feasible. And eventually, we brought it up again to one or more of our confidantes, this time in a serious context.
They laughed politely, wondering why we were repeating the same joke that really wasn't that funny the first time around.
Then, when they realized we weren't kidding, they told us not to be an idiot. Nobody was going to buy a scented tie or cling-wrap that changes color the longer it sits in the fridge or a left-handed cheese-and-butter spreader.
Keep it up, they implied, and we'd wind up hawking crazy products on late-night infomercials, selling shit that people don't need. At best, we'd be Ron Popeil; at worst, we'd be Bill Blazejowski, the Michael Keaton character in Night Shift who carries around a cassette recorder and says stuff into it like "They should feed the mayonnaise to the tuna."
Not every idea that sounds fanciful, odd or even downright stupid automatically is any of those things, however. People forget that RonCo founder Popeil is a multimillionaire; hawking the Pocket Fisherman and a thousand other, er, interesting products on TV might not be the coolest job on the planet, but I'm pretty sure the shit-ton of money he's made has helped him come to terms with that.
And if Starkist could find a cost-effective way to feed the mayonnaise to the tuna, they'd probably give it a shot.
I wish more people would run with their "crazy" ideas. The world would certainly be a more interesting (market)place, and a little creative promotion could make the difference between another Egg Wave and something people might actually clamor for — remember, these days it's all about the advertising.
In the spirit of the gift-giving season (and as a prelude to next week's Gift Guide), I'd like to trot out some of the ideas I've had over the years that may sound ridiculous, but just haven't faded from my mind like most stupid ideas do over time (read: almost immediately). I'd love to hear what you think of 'em, but mostly I'm hoping to inspire those of you who have your own ideas to maybe look into making them a reality. The business of America is business, after all, and who wouldn't love to tell their boss they're leaving the company to pursue their dream of making edible bookmarks or an automotive air freshener that starts to smell like ass when it needs to be replaced, or whatever?
(NOTE: All concepts contained herein are the intellectual property of the author, except where otherwise noted. Interested investors may contact the author by hanging around St. Petersburg's Emerald Bar until he shows up.)
The Reverse Microwave. I've been kicking this one around for years. Anybody who's ever run out of ice during a party or over-nuked a cup of coffee while getting ready to be late for work will absolutely have to have this, the latest convenient-cooking home-appliance technology. I'm pretty close to a breakthrough; I just have to figure out how to assuage public and federal concerns about using liquid nitrogen and Freon to quickly cool stuff people are going to put in their bodies, and it'll be time to get out the money rake.
CourtSleeves/CourtSlacks. You completely forgot that today's the day you have to go before the judge regarding your latest public urination-related charge, and the only things in your closet are Spuds MacKenzie tank-tops and cutoffs. Well, never fear. Just pick up a set of my affordable CourtSleeves and CourtSlacks, use the adhesive tabs to attach them and "finish" your existing wardrobe, and save yourself another stern talking-to about courtroom etiquette. CourtSleeves come in Harley Black, Bud Light Blue and Thrift Store Charity Athletic Event T-shirt Yellow; CourtSlacks are available in Distressed Denim and Bathing Suit Maroon. Plus, their breakthrough paper-and-recycled-cotton construction makes them inexpensive, biodegradable and expendable — just tear 'em off and trash 'em on your way out of the building!
Emo Friendz. Your teenager says the dark music, brooding angst and gender issues are just part of being cool these days; that doesn't mean he or she isn't actually as lonely and confused on the inside as he or she pretends to be on the outside for the sake of fashion. Everybody needs a friend, and emo kids need Emo Friendz. These dolls are available in three gender styles: "Male," "Female" and "Fuck Labels." Their specially designed skin is cold to the touch and warms only after repeated attempts at hugging. For added validation, pressing the various colors on Emo Friendz' lifelike fingernails triggers such comforting comments as "It's OK to fantasize about killing your girlfriend if you don't have one" and "I'm only pale because I'm vegan." Custom-tailored ironic classic-rock-band jerseys are available for an additional charge.
A Left-Handed Cheese-And-Butter Spreader. Maybe I'm just obsessing over it because I had to use a right-handed one on Thanksgiving, but still, you can't tell me that shit wouldn't sell.
This article appears in Nov 29 – Dec 5, 2006.