As The Magician, you have the power. Credit: Photo via volkovslava/Adobe

Dear Oracle,

I (38F) have been good friends with Louie (38M) for nearly 20 years, since college. We’ve lived in the same city for the past 10 years, and even though we’re busy, we still make time to see each other. Louie has been dating “Clare”(45F) for four years. Clare really wants us to be friends, and I am friendly with her when we’re all out together, or my husband and I invite them over for dinner. But…I wouldn’t consider her a friend. A few months ago, Clare called and asked if she could come over to talk. I thought something was wrong with Louie, so I said yes. She came over, drank a bottle of my wine, and talked about how she thinks she might have to break up with Louie because he hasn’t proposed. (I kept asking her, “Do you think there’s someone else you could talk to about this?”) About a month ago, when we all went out in a large group, Clare didn’t speak to me the whole night, screamed at Louie, and fled in an Uber when she said she was going to the bathroom. Louie sobbed the rest of the night. While I’ve reached out to him, I haven’t heard from him since. Last week, I ran into a friend of Clare’s, and asked how everything was going and if things were alright between her and Louie. Clare called me TWENTY-THREE times over five days. When I finally answered, she was FURIOUS that I BETRAYED her by “TALKING SHIT” about her and her relationship. I didn’t! Now, I have no idea what to do. This feels like an insane trip back to high school. I love my friend. I want him to be happy. But what am I supposed to do with this girl?—Exhausted

Cards: Knight of Cups, The Magician, Four of Cups, Five of Swords

Dear Exhausted,

I know exactly how you feel. For more than a decade, one of my nearest and dearest friends has been a straight dude. Over the years, a new girlfriend or another would “confide” in me about all of their issues with him/their relationship, which led me to a three-fold problem: 1.) I don’t know what they want me to do about it. 2.) I have to decide if I share this shit talk with my friend. 3.) I now know this girl doesn’t realize that our “friendship” is completely contingent on her dating my buddy.

It’s a very weird place to be in. But none of those girls ever bombarded me with phone calls, so you got me there.

Send your questions for the Oracle to oracle@cltampa.com or DM @theyboracle on Instagram.

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I’m sure you know this, but for the record, Clare’s behavior is not OK. It wasn’t OK for her to come to you and talk shit about your friend, it wasn’t OK for the public shouting match/escape in the night, and it wasn’t OK for her to harass you like that with phone calls.

You do not owe this woman a friendship. You do not owe her an explanation of why you’re checking in on your friend of two decades. You’re under no obligation to entertain her at your home moving forward.

If Clare is this emotionally volatile with you, she’s certainly been this way with Louie, and you’ve seen how it’s upset him. You should be there for your friend as he evaluates his relationship…which the cards seem to point to.

As the romantic partner (Knight of Cups), Louie is becoming disillusioned and depressed in his relationship (Four of Cups), is seeing this high conflict, ego-driven fight play out again and again (Five of Swords), and is feeling the need to change something and to transform the situation (The Magician.) If he’s been in this pattern for four years, he might need a lifeline to start that transformation. Keep reaching out, keep telling that you love him and you’re there for him.

Our culture has this sort of laissez-faire attitude that we shouldn’t comment on our friends’ relationships because “it’s whatever makes them happy.”

But, sometimes what we really need is for a trusted friend to ask us: “Are you happy?” Because we are all masters of lying to ourselves when need be. We can turn a blind eye to glaring issues, hope things will be different this time, and pretend we’re not upset when we are.

Honest, simple questions like “Are you happy?” or “Is this what you want?” can be deeply shaking to someone lost in the haze of toxic love.

That nearest and dearest friend of mine? Long ago, I told him I was going to tell my shit boyfriend that he needed to treat me with respect. My friend simply said, “I don’t think you should have to ask for respect in a relationship.” It was like being shot through with lightning. He was right, profoundly so. I’ve never forgotten it.

Again, keep reaching out to Louie. He might be embarrassed by his or Clare’s reaction and want to hide. Invite him—and only him—out for something like a show or a movie, anything where you can be quiet for a while. The lack of pressure to talk might make him feel more comfortable to open up.

And if and when he starts opening up, don’t be judgmental. No, “She a fucking psycho, dude.” Ask questions that help Louie look inward. If you need to say something about your feelings, frame it with “I” statements, like “I don’t like seeing you getting yelled at.” You can tell him what Clare has said to you—but, again, do so delicately.

The Magician symbolizes great work. It probably won’t be easy or quick for Louie to figure out his next steps. Be kind. Show him compassion and patience. Be tactful in your honesty. If he and Clare somehow work this out, you can decide if you want to spend time with her then. But until then, you don’t need to answer those calls.

I truly wish you the best, my dear.

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