Did you spend yesterday stress-eating Runts in a 9-hour traffic jam that ran half the length of the state? No? I never liked you — you know that, right?
FRIDAY, NOV. 25:
Another report confirmed that Florida tourism is on pace to make 2016 another record-setting year. Of course! What are Zika, hurricanes, rattlesnakes and increasingly aggressive gators in the face of Disney Princess Central and an economic model for tourism that boils down to gas money and Grandma's house?
SATURDAY, NOV. 26:
A standoff in Tampa ended peacefully when an armed man who had barricaded himself in his home surrendered to the police. Authorities suspect post-Black Friday shellshock combined with the sudden realization that there were still 30-plus days left in 2016. Understandable.
Not understandable: A human rhino's taint loaded up a Pasco Target shopping cart with expensive items, fled the store, and hit an 82-year-old woman with his car while escaping, breaking her hip. We hope he gets eaten by an increasingly aggressive gator infected with Zika.
SUNDAY, NOV. 27:
'Tis the season for holiday revelry and, in our neck of the woods, even more dangerously drunken dipshits driving the wrong way on our highways and byways. Please be careful out there — and DO NOT be afraid to steal keys, have arguments, risk resentments and shove friends into vehicles driven by sober individuals. "He makes his own choices." So do you.