Hello. I'm back, just in time for the end of humanity's most destructive election cycle ever, and America's newest serial killer. The news! It never stops. Thanks to my colleagues for covering while I watched Parks & Recreation for a week to try and balance things out.
FRIDAY, NOV. 4:
Broward County officials are joining Manatee County in freaking out about Carfentanil, the synthetic opioid that's dropping pillheads and heroin addicts all over the state. Because it's a fucking elephant tranquilizer. Until we have a better program for treating addiction than "kill yourself or kick in jail," just don't take the elephant tranquilizer, OK?
SATURDAY, NOV. 5:
Shouty McLoudcarrot made another rally appearance in the Tampa Bay area just days before the election. Kate wrote an absolutely killer article about it.
After vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine jammed onstage with Jon Bon Jovi at the State Theatre, his motorcade did the most rock-star thing it could by causing a Pinellas County Sheriff's Deputy to hit another cruiser and then the press bus. It's the vice-presidential-candidate version of trashing one's dressing room, we suppose.
A 15-year-old Shady Hills, FL student was arrested for threatening to shoot up his school. Upon being questioned, the kid said he "wasn't serious" and "didn't mean to scare anyone." Kids! Wowsers, are some of 'em stupid.
SUNDAY, NOV. 6:
And finally, Kenya's Mary Keitany won her third consecutive New York Marathon, becoming the first woman ever to do so to do the hat trick since Grete Waitz.. "See? That's what's wrong with this country. It should've been an American," said an American who needs a traction sling to get off the couch, from under a mountain of powdered doughnut dust.
This article appears in Nov 3-10, 2016.