Sh*t Happened 12/13/17: Shark draggers charged, lottery scammers arrested, wild pigs vandalicious

Karma is a beast.

click to enlarge Sh*t Happened 12/13/17: Shark draggers charged, lottery scammers arrested, wild pigs vandalicious

Good morning! If the skies seem a little sunnier and the air a bit tastier this morning, it might be because the good people of Alabama decided not to elect a religious zealot and alleged sexual predator who dresses in the adult version of a child's cowboy costume to the U.S. Senate. It could be that! So what else happened yesterday?

Hey, remember that video of some assholes dragging a shark behind their boat that was somehow tangentially related to an infomercial for penicillin disguised as an MTV show about Siesta Key? Said assholes are being charged with felony animal cruelty. How badly do you want a crazy judge to sentence them to being dragged behind a boat? Good luck... chums.

Speaking of felonious activity, Lakeland cops are on the hunt for a convicted felon who allegedly robbed a cabbie at gunpoint Monday morning. A sympathetic sort might blame the suspect's lengthy criminal past at least in part on the fact that he had to go through childhood with the first name Edner, but the other fact that he's 6' 5" and 250 pounds makes me think he probably didn't have to take a lot of shit about it.

Two St. Pete area convenience store clerks were arrested for underpaying on winning lottery tickets, ostensibly so they could redeem the tickets for the real amount themselves. "It's outrageous," said the the State of Florida, "that someone would use what amounts to our scammy tax on the poor to exploit the poor in this sort of scam." Ouroboros had no comment, as its mouth was full of its own tail.

And finally, Wesley Chapel residents are in an uproar about wild pigs destroying their lawns. The irony of people falling prey to the very nature they sought to escape in a sterile, manicured community is delicious. Also delicious? WILD PIGS. This isn't a problem — this is a food delivery service.

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