Good morning. Yesterday's tip: Skip the ham.
Beloved Disney World attraction Pirates of the Caribbean re-opened to the public yesterday after a little bit of retooling that mainly consisted of getting rid of that embarrassing "auctioning off a captured woman" scene. You can't whitewash history, but you can do your best to not put the idea that selling a person might be funny into a seven-year-old's head in the first place.
A story from the DeLand area broke yesterday about a 52-year-old man who did some shoving and table-flipping when the ham his 80-year-old mother was cooking didn't live up to his apparently high expectations. I don't think I've ever experienced more than, say, three degrees of variation between any of the hundreds of hams I've eaten. Ham is ham. This probably wasn't really about the ham, is what I'm saying.
A Polk County fourth-grade teacher was arrested for leaving a four-year-old alone at her home while she went to hook up with her dealer — apparently in both the "get some weed" sense and the "let's have sex" sense. Super tempting, yes. But still no.
And finally, Sudan, the last living male white northern rhinoceros, was euthanized for complications pertaining to old age in a Kenya conservancy, leaving only two females of the subspecies alive on the planet. White northern rhinos have been considered extinct in the wild since 2008, because of hard-on powder and dagger handles. Nice work there, humanity.
This article appears in Mar 15-22, 2018.