Hey, welcome to Monday! Let's pretend it's not Monday.
FRIDAY, APRIL 6:
A 17-year-old Bradenton girl was forced by the dean of her school to put Band-Aids over her nipples when she went to school without a bra. It's kind of hard to think that a braless teenager would be more distracting than a grown-ass adult man making a huge deal out of a braless teenager's nipples. You, sir, have overstepped your bounds.
Speaking of overstepping one's bounds, Hillsborough cops are looking for a dude who punched a stranger twice with brass knuckles, outside the stranger's house, before driving off. Are we doing this now? Punching strangers with brass knuckles? I feel like we shouldn't be doing this now.
A 14-year-old Winter Haven student was arrested for bringing a semiautomatic pistol and two knives to school in his backpack. When asked why he would do such a dumbass thing, he said he'd been listening to rap music and wanted to feel cool, which is about the most dumbass reason for doing a dumbass thing one can imagine. Dumbass.
SATURDAY, APRIL 7:
Nothing to see here.
SUNDAY, APRIL 8:
And finally, somebody got shot at NFL free agent Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie's pool party on Adamo Drive on Sunday. Always ask if there are gonna be athletes at the party. Athletes are bullet magnets.
This article appears in Apr 5-12, 2018.