Good Monday to you. Here's your forecast for this beautiful Memorial Day: Alcohol will be a factor.
FRIDAY, MAY 26:
An 18-year-old moron was arrested at St. Pete College's dental school for causing a ruckus about the wait time for his treatment and punching a security guard in the face. Because that's what you look for when the pain in your face has already driven you to the brink of insanity: a fistfight.
Remember that big swan sculpture that was stolen in Lakeland by a naked guy who took a truck with it in the back? It was found hidden in the bushes by a local fisherman and returned undamaged to his owner. OK, that's a little Florida, but kind of a letdown after the big opening. Try harder, Florida Man.
SATURDAY, MAY 27:
Gregg Allman, co-founding member of the Allman Brothers Band and one of the architects of both southern rock and the jam scene, passed away at the age of 69. He was beloved and will be deeply missed by millions, several dozen of whom will unfortunately find in this loss even more inspiration for their terrible, not-groovy, not-soulful northeastern-college-field-party bands.
SUNDAY, MAY 28:
And finally, preliminary reports for this year's two-day cavalcade of untz and ill-advised EDM festival behavior the Sunset Music Festival indicate that nearly 20,000 attended each day, nobody died, 46 people were arrested (mostly for MDMA possession) and almost 100 people needed medical attention, either on-site or via ambulance rides to the nearest hospital. But at least I didn't have to tell anyone to get off my lawn in overcompensation for my fear of young people and lack of understanding of their musical culture. Untz! Untz! Untz!
This article appears in May 25 – Jun 1, 2017.