Good morning! How was your annual Amazon Prime Day? Did you pick up some perky turkey jerky, or six wooden eggs, or maybe a gold-layered $2 bill? What? You don't know what Amazon Prime Day is? Christ, get with it, people.
SeaWorld Orlando announced it will be offering "Killer Whale Up-Close Tours," which sounds an awful lot like people paying $79 on top of the park's admission price to be persuaded that the company isn't burning orcas with cigarettes for kicks behind a fence somewhere. (They're not.) "I saw Blackfish, and so I just want to see with my own eyes that things are on the up-and-up," said Helen, who's the perfect person to pay $79 to get to the bottom of this, because she saw a movie.
A few customers are upset about their children being exposed to a "graphic" protest by animal-rights activists at a Pinellas Park Chik-Fil-A yesterday, in which people in animal costumes were "slaughtered" pantomime-style. They seem concerned the protest might somehow give kids the idea that chickens and cows were really being killed so people could eat their meat. Perhaps a trip to the slaughterhouse will clear things up for everybody.
And finally, you can add "to request 98 times that your seized dope money be returned to you" and "to lie about a medical emergency for a free ride to St. Pete" to the long, long, long list of unacceptable reasons to call 911. Have a great day.
This article appears in Jul 6-13, 2017.