The returns came in excruciatingly slowly for our anxious millennial tastes. The analysis/speculation seemed to shoot out in every direction; it needed a glass of pinot noir to slow it down. But by the end of the night, Super Tuesday’s outcomes were apparent: people still dig Donald Trump. Lots of them do, for some reason, except for Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska (and Iowa), which supported Ted Cruz.
Same with Hillary Clinton (except in Vermont, Colorado, Oklahoma and Minnesota, which went for Bernie Sanders).
But it’s not over for either.
On March 15, we and Ohio have our presidential preference primaries (and some municipalities have nonpartisan races as well, amirite Gulfport and T.I.?). A high number of winner-take-all delegates is at stake in each state, so you’d better believe those dudes and that dudette will be milking the states like crazy, which is always fun. Expect rallies, regional field office opening shindigs, candidate speeches, you name it.
Here are a few more things we look forward to:
Our commute’s going to suck. So not only is it the start of Spring Break insanity (never get in the right lane behind a Cadillac), but within the first two weeks of March we expect at least a handful of candidate appearances throughout the state. Hell, a few of ’em hightailed it to South Florida Tuesday night. After all, they want those 99 delegates and they are going to straddle the I-4 corridor to get ‘em. Candidate events that are open to the public will be a hoot, sure, but if you’re not planning on attending, you may want to avoid the vicinity of a candidate rally or press conference lest you get stuck on a hyper-political fury road.
Ben Carson’s handlers pull a Weekend at Bernie’s. As we mentioned above, it’s Spring Break! Woo-hoo! And right about now, there’s speculation that some Republicans want Ben Carson, who’s polling below the legal limit, so to speak, to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Florida that Marco Rubio is vacating. That Republican primary field is already jam-packed, and Congressman David Jolly is the frontrunner (though polls show the race isn’t even on the radar for many voters just yet). So it’ll be Hawaiian shirts and hijinks for those who carry the lethargic doctor’s smelling salts this spring and summer.
Sanders supporters’ alternate universe finally manifests. If you are friends with Bernie Sanders supporters, you have to admit their optimism is incredibly refreshing. However, there is also, in some circles, a propensity toward denial, especially in attempts to Monday-morning quarterback the results of polls and debates. (The corporate media rigged it, Hillary is the devil, etc.) But, hey, thoughts become reality or something, don’t they. We don't know; we never read The Secret.
Trump will jump an actual shark, besting Rubio. In an attempt to woo voters in Florida, Trump will turn to the book of Fonz, thereby pulling off some over-the-top and visually fantastic feat, such as waterskiing over a shark or eating the rubble of a Planned Parenthood clinic after demolishing it with his mind in front of a wildly cheering crowd.
Rubio responds by mumbling a few dick jokes. Small hands or no, Trump still beats him, and Rubio is forced to leave the race with his, um, tail between his legs.
This article appears in Mar 3-9, 2016.