If all swingers were the same, no one would swing. Each person's individual motivations for being a swinger is what keeps the encounters fresh and exciting.
I like the newness of each person I meet and I thrive off the excitement of each new experience. A fellow swinger enjoys the aspect of friendship, the trust in being with the same people time and time again, and the relationship that ensues from that role. Does this make him a different kind of swinger than me?
The definition of 'swinger' is different for everyone. Each handles their relationship differently. These variations do affect their interactions with others, but it's rarely a negative thing. We have a different outlook on what we want out of swinging, but the means by which we achieve these desires is the same: we seek extramarital sex while thriving on the benefits of marriage.
Some couples are more open than others in swinging situations. Soccer Dad and I don't mind being in separate rooms for sex. We don't have to play with a 'couple'. We can each find someone we like at a party and enjoy ourselves separately. But we also play together. Dates sometimes include sex in the same room and other times even on the same bed. We may all play together or we may just simply be next to each other.
We don't find the need to be completely equal on every date. Sometimes he is next door banging away with Betty Sue while I'm still involved in foreplay that goes nowhere. In swinging, there are no winners or losers. Sometimes good hookups happens and sometimes they don't. If a couple counts each encounter and compares numbers to keep things fair, things will never work out.
This is why I try to keep an open mind and embrace something new each time we venture into the swinging world. Discovering new people keeps things interesting for me. Although I've had a few dates I would prefer never to repeat, it was still a worthwhile experience. New people is what makes the experience desirable for me. Sex with someone other than my spouse is the core of swinging.
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This article appears in Jun 3-9, 2010.