Not sure that even you can help with this one, but I’ll give it a shot…
My husband and I enjoy a solid, trusting BDSM relationship, and we’re both quite happy with not only our sex lives but our lives together in general. There is one issue that concerns me. Roughly twice a month, in the middle of the night, my husband will “attack” me sexually in his sleep. I use the term “attack” lightly because the moment lasts for about 30 seconds, and generally I am able to ignore it and go back to sleep. However, there are times when I become frightened by these incidents and can’t seem to “get over it” by morning. Generally, the attacks amount to my husband groping my breast painfully and aggressively, violently digitally penetrating me, attempting to penetrate me with his penis (vaginally or orally), and/or shoving me. He doesn’t ejaculate or anything, as it is a very short incident.
He is completely unaware of what he is doing when he does it, and I have been able to wake him up (when I have been lucid enough) as it is happening (if it lasts that long).
I have spoken to him about these incidents, and even though I try to laugh them off to hide my fear, he feels terrible about what he’s done. He is fully asleep when these incidents occur, so it’s not as if he can do anything about them. I have tried seeking advice from other places, but I am usually told to “just ignore it” or “just enjoy it.” I don’t enjoy it. I can’t ignore it. It hurts and it scares me. Is this a common problem? Is there even an answer? Am I being too sensitive?
Scared Of Stiffy
“SOS’s husband has semiregular sexomnia, a subtype of sleepwalking,” says Jesse Bering, a psychological scientist and a regular contributor to Scientific American and Slate, “and SOS is not being too sensitive.”
Bering devotes a chapter of his terrific new book — Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That? And Other Reflections on Being Human — to the phenomenon of sexsomnia.
“Involuntary sexual ‘automatisms’ occur within two hours of sleep onset, during non-REM sleep,” says Bering. “In most cases, these are harmless enough — gyrating against a pillow, vacuous masturbation. But there are also more violent and worrisome automatisms, such as those making SOS so understandably uncomfortable. In fact, there have been several high-profile rape and child-abuse cases involving sexsomnia.”
Luckily, there is an answer, SOS, something your husband can do about his problem.
“The good news is that sexomnia responds well to pharmaceuticals, so SOS’s husband should find a knowledgeable doctor who is willing to prescribe a low dose of one of the benzodiazepines (such as clonazepam) to take before bedtime,” says Bering.
But your husband is unlikely to get the help he needs if you continue to minimize the problem for fear of making him feel bad. Stop laughing these violent episodes off, SOS, and start telling him about every one. Explain to your husband that all this violent sleepfucking has left you feeling traumatized and that he has to see a doctor as soon as possible.
You will no doubt get some flak for your response to the snowboarder who needs a finger up his ass in order to come. He stated that he is so ashamed of this practice that when he’s fucking a girl and wants to come, he pushes the woman’s face in a pillow to hide it. How could you let that little bit of mini-sadism pass without comment? I hope you will throw a comment in next week’s column to acknowledge it. You are normally so thorough in your replies, Dan!
Pillow Fight
You’re right, PF, I dropped the ball.
BUMMED wrote that he goes “to great lengths to hide” his need for prostate stimulation, adding that he will “push [a girl’s] head in a pillow” when he fingers himself. And he was worried that the last girl he slept with must have seen him fingering himself because she wasn’t responding to his texts.
A little addendum for BUMMED: That girl might not be returning your texts because she didn’t appreciate having her face smashed into a pillow. You can do what you like with your asshole, bro, without being an asshole.
This article appears in Aug 30 – Sep 5, 2012.