I don't make New Year's resolutions anymore.
I used to make really easy, flip ones, like "This year, I'm not going to get arrested," or "This year, I'm not going to kiss any men when I'm drunk, because I'm a heterosexual," but those exact things always seemed to happen shortly thereafter, sometimes later that New Year's Eve. (The universe knows, man — it knows.) And when I discovered I couldn't use that particular irony to my advantage by making resolutions like "This year, I'm definitely not going to find myself in a limo at the Toronto Film Festival, making out with Kate Winslet," I quit making resolutions altogether.
But the end of the year is still traditionally a time of self-evaluation, and I always find myself looking back, seeing what worked in my life over the previous 12 months and what didn't. Not that I ever follow through and jettison the dead weight while implementing new, more productive behavior, but it happens all the same. And in the spirit of believing things have more gravity when they're written down, allow me to present my own Book of Lists for the upcoming year, concerning the (I hope) brighter futures of both this column and my troublesome mouth.
Thanks for reading.
The Top 10 Things I Won't Be Writing About Next Year
10. Some new building or other
9. Thanksgiving conspiracies
8. The rats in my apartment
7. Couch surfing
6. The Flying Spaghetti Monster/
Pastafarianism
5. Why cassettes aren't as collectible as LPs
4. Kevin and Linda's Halloween party
3. Curling
2. Pets being blessed by a preacher
1. Why bitches is crazy
The Top 10 Things I Might Be Writing
About Next Year
10. Shark-attack season
9. The time I walked into the vampire party
by accident
8. Something that happened while in the
company of Roger Peterson
7. Raelians
6. The Boogeyman
5. The Boogie Man
4. Drag
3. Drugs
2. Ronda Storms
1. Ronda Storms doing drugs while in drag
The Top 10 Things I'll Definitely Be
Writing About Next Year
10. Peaches
9. Religion
8. Something that happened while in the
company of Joey N., Joey C. or Joey P.
7. My parents
6. My colorblindness
5. Something that happened on tour
4. That Halloween when I was 12, and
those high-school kids spoke really quietly
to get me to move closer to their car and
then sprayed ketchup and mustard on me,
and I had to walk home caked and crying
3. How high-school kids really, really
sucked in the '80s
2. Milo The White Trash Terrordog
1. Something that happened at the Emerald
The Top 10 Things I Won't Be Saying
Next Year
10. "Delicious."
9. "Awesome."
8. "Hey [insert anybody's name], shave my
head."
7. "I respect what they do, it just isn't for
me."
6. "Honestly, officer, I only had a couple."
5. "Does anybody want to go down to First
Friday?"
4. "We don't need to call; of course The
Bank is open on Monday nights."
3. "No, I didn't leave a nasty message on
your voicemail, but I think Joe Bardi did."
2. "We'll just have a couple — you'll be
home by 10."
1. "I'll do it for 20, and Patrick holds the
money."
The Top 10 Things I Might Be Saying
Next Year
10. "You like them? They suck."
9. "Douchebag."
8. "You don't like Georgie's? What are you,
a homophobe?"
7. "I didn't say I didn't say it, I just said I
don't remember saying it."
6. "No, I blew it off and stayed home."
5. "I can't, I'm going to [insert faraway city]
to see [insert band nobody knows or likes]."
4. "What? I haven't used a picture of a sign
in the column for at least two months."
3. "I can pay the tab tonight, but that just
means you'll have to run me a new one."
2. "I'll get Leilani to write it; she's into that
kind of shit."
1. "Soup or side salad with that, sir?"
Top 10 Things I'll Definitely Be Saying
Next Year
10. "You liked that movie? That movie
sucked."
9. "Yeah, a lot of people say that about Snider."
8. "… and a shot of Cuervo."
7. "Can you come pick me up?"
6. "Did I tell you about the time I met
Joaquin Phoenix/walked into the vampire
party by accident/got really drunk with Joey
N., Joey C. or Joey P./opened for Creed?"
5. "Let's go to Wilson's."
4. "No, really, Milo's getting more well-
behaved all the time."
3. "Kelli? Tell David I'll be working from
home today."
2. "Can you put me on the list?"
1. "I'll do it for 25, and Patrick holds the money."
This article appears in Dec 28, 2005 – Jan 3, 2006.
