On Barack Obama:
• We ain’t never seen a black man this cool — and legal. Muthafucka won Iowa. That’s when we knew it was over for Hilary. If you can’t beat a nigga named Obama in Iowa, then you don’t deserve to be President. There ain’t but four black people in Iowa. They only sold six copies of Thriller in Iowa, and they brought three back.
• He had to get rid of his Reverend! Reverend White is a 75-year-old black man who don’t like white people. Is there another kind of 75-year-old black man? You know the hell he’s seen, the shit this motherfucker been through? His whole third grade class was lynched. He lucked out ’cause the rope broke. And you wonder why he don’t sing “Kumbaya.”
On John McCain being too old to be President:
John McCain is too fuckin’ old. He used to own Sidney Poitier.
Too old.
We don’t need a President with a bucket list.
He’s seventy-two fuckin’ years old.
He’s so old if he won it would kill him.
Who’s gonna be the Vice President? A nurse?
Too old.
How many 72-year-old people did you see just doin’ shit today?
Too. Fucking. Old.
How you gonna make decisions about the future when you ain’t gonna be here?
On Hillary Clinton:
• Other countries have had women leaders for centuries. But in America we’re so backward. “What if she’s on her period?” Well, then the vice president takes over. At least for the first four days. You can’t have her making decisions on a heavy flow. We’d be at war every month. Be bombin’ states. “We just attacked North Carolina. Must be on her period again.”
• Let me get this straight: She was gonna work in an office that her husband got blowjobs in? There ain’t enough redecoratin’ in the world.
On voting:
The government tells you they want you to vote. The government does not want you to vote — ’cause if they did they would not have elections on a Tuesday. Have you ever had a party on a Tuesday? No, ’cause you want people to come to your party. I’ve never been laid on a Tuesday. It’s partyless, sexless day. I’m gonna open up a restaurant and call it Thank God It’s Not Tuesday.
It’s my considered opinion that Chris Rock is a funny motherfucker. Last night at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center he was definitely a funny motherfucker. OK, there’s my review of the show.
What follows is a few of his bits, so consider this a spoiler alert if you’re going to his show tonight.
Very early in the set:
• I wanna do a good show tonight, ’cause I don’t want the authorities to come and take my children — like they did to Britney Spears. They took her kids! I’m looking at Britney Spears’ kids — they ain’t got no knots upside their heads, they don’t look hungry. It made me realize: They take white kids quick. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, they got their kids. They even let O.J. Simpson keep his kids. And he killed the mother. O.J.’s got a lotta balls; I saw him say ‘Y’know it’s hard being a single dad.’ … But you killed the mother. He said it like they just broke up, like she won’t return his calls.
