Two people walk away from the camera down a brick street, wearing Pride flags draped over their shoulders like capes. The person in the center wears a classic rainbow flag over a denim jacket, while the person to the right wears an asexual Pride flag featuring horizontal stripes of black, gray, white, and purple. They are walking amidst a crowd at a sunny outdoor event, with buildings and metal barricades visible in the background. — Credit: Jannissimo / Shutterstock

Hello! I am an asexual who is not interested in sex, but I want to start dating. I am worried that no sex would make a relationship impossible for me. I know people really value intimacy and sex for a healthy bond. I fear I cannot provide what a partner needs. Are my fears warranted? Should I even try dating?—Ace of Hearts

Hi Ace, Yes, you can date as an asexual person. Many people crave a romantic bond and the intimacy of a committed partnership, and asexual people are no exception. The answer to your question could be as simple as seeking out other asexual individuals to date. However, the road to doing so could be complicated, depending on your style.

Personally, I don’t typically favor dating apps as a way of meeting prospective partners. It can feel restrictive and like it limits natural connection. But if you are looking to specifically meet other asexual people, surely the easiest way would be to put that in the bio of a dating app, right? Maybe, but I don’t want you to be stuck searching for your soulmate on Tinder (which maybe should have an asexual counterpart, called “water” or something).

How can you form a natural connection with someone you’re into while also making sure they’re down with a sexless partnership? Asexual flagging does exist, but it’s not as mainstream and recognized as wearing a carabiner and some Docs. Instead, you’ll have to do what everyone dreads most: just come out and say it. You don’t have to tell everyone you’re into that you’re asexual right away, but just go through the standard dating and flirting process and, when you end up on a date with someone, open up about asexuality and what it means to you. Some asexual people are still open to sex, and some aren’t, so just saying you are “asexual” may not be enough to communicate your preferences.

Got a burning question? Ask a Dyke at sapphicsunfl.com/ask

You say that “people” value sex for a healthy bond. Not all of them do! A deep and intimate bond can be formed by sharing secrets, engaging in acts of service or giving earnest compliments about enjoying spending time together.

You can also try an open relationship where your partner seeks sex with someone else but remains romantically and emotionally committed to you. This can be tricky and I can’t say I’d recommend it as the primary course of action, but it certainly is an option available to you. So is general polyamory, where you have a partner who has other partners. These arrangements work for some and don’t work for others. Consider what you want to get out of a relationship before entering into one.

Most importantly: don’t compromise where you don’t want to. You’re asexual, and you shouldn’t pressure yourself to be a different way just to open up your compatibility. Be yourself authentically, and you’ll attract what you need.

Yours in love, Jane Dyke

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