Hurricane Irma. What a bitch. Or if not Irma, whichever bitch or bastard heads our way.
So, what's your plan? Staying? Going? You have a plan, right? Whether you do or not, here are a few tips to make your time during the storm, whatever its name, as safe and tolerable as possible.
Pet plans
If you're evacuating…
We'll start, of course, with the biggest reason people don't evacuate: their pets. Some shelters (three in Pinellas and four in Hillsborough) accept pets, but know this: you don't get to cuddle with Snoopy on your sleeping bag while you're at the shelter. She stays in her carrier and, in some instances, will be sequestered with other pets while you get sequestered with other humans. It makes sense — not all dogs/cats/boa constrictors play nicely together — but some dogs and cats won't do well in these situations. Remember, it's a triage — your cat will have plenty of time to glare at you with hate after you've kept him alive and safe. However, you must pre-register with these shelters. Don't despair: pet-friendly hotels abound. Head for one in a non-evac zone. I've heard rumors that Florida hotels can't turn away people with pets during an ordered evacuation, but I can't find legal proof of this. Bite the bullet: download the hotels.com app and book a cheap couple of nights at a Red Roof Inn. And don't you dare leave your pets behind if you evacuate.
If you're not…
Put together a photo of them, their medical records, and medicine in a heavy-duty plastic zipper bag. Write your name and phone number on the inside of their leg with a Sharpie marker in case they get lost, or worse. Keep their leashes close while the storm hits and if they have a portable flotation device (PFD), make them wear it.
Turn off the TV
It's tempting, I know, to watch Bay News 9 for continuous updates. Don't. Turn it off. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's National Hurricane Center is absolutely the only reliable source for forecasts, advisories and discussions, and that's where every news outlet in the country gets its information. Anything the news guy says that you can't verify at hurricanes.gov is either speculation, an exaggeration or arrived at using inferior technology. Also, have you ever noticed how certain storm-related advertising increases when there's a named storm out there? Guess who gets the most money for advertising? Whoever has the highest ratings. Guess who has the highest ratings? Whoever can get the most people to watch their station for hours on end. NHC sends out updates every three hours — so you aren't going to get any real intelligence any faster than that, just conjecture designed to keep you watching. Seriously, turn off the TV. If you want more local information, sign up for alerts from Pinellas or Hillsborough emergency management centers. The alerts go to your cell so even if the internet is down, you'll get the info. Same with enabling mobile notifications for the NHC Twitterfeed — you'll get a text from them when they tweet anything, so you don't need to rely on Spectrum or Verizon to get information.
Boats
The boat captain I live with has strong feelings on this matter. If you have a boat lift, it's your call whether you leave your boat on it or not, but either way, chain the boat lift to the pilings so it doesn't start knocking around between the pilings and destroy the lift. Make sure your scuppers and drain holes aren't plugged — and pick up any leaves or other debris that could clog the drain hole. Also, make sure your drain plug is unplugged if it has a plug. Point is, you want rain water to drain out of your boat. Have a boat cover? Take it off or budget for a new one. Get anything that could hurt you if it flew at you (or your home) at 160 mph off the boat and inside. So, everything that isn't bolted down, essentially.
Light and other things with fire
Stick all your candles in the freezer and leave them there until you need them, and they'll last longer. And since it's grilling season, we all probably have matches lying around — stick 'em in a plastic container (they're no good wet, right?). If you keep a bag for dryer lint in your garage (because you're too lazy to walk it over to the trash every time, like me), take it out, make it into balls, and soak it with lighter fluid. Obvs, you'll want to throw these in something waterproof, too — but they're excellent fire starters if you're gonna be grilling after the storm. Have solar landscaping? Bring it inside. After the storm, let them charge by day outside and offer you some light inside at night.
Drinking water and — ahem — other needed water
Oh, man, you've got to clean that tub to fill it, don't you? Listen to me: No. Just don't. Fill every sealable container you can find — and I mean every one (post direct hit or even an almost direct hit: 95º, no a/c, 'nuff said) — with water and put them in the tub instead. That tub trick is all well and good until your roof blows off and you get hurricane bits in it. Fill up a couple of buckets with water for flushing your toilet.
Fireproof isn't waterproof
Odds are your fireproof safe — with your homeowners insurance policy inside it — isn't waterproof. Stuff it in the dishwasher or, if it's huge, take the docs out and stuff them in there instead. Zipper bags are good, but they aren't waterproof: use several if that's your best option.
Stay afloat
You have a stand-up paddleboard? Kayak? Canoe? Bring them inside, along with your PFD, paddles, and all the legally required safety equipment. If you're gonna be flooded — and it looks like a goodly amount of us will be — you'll appreciate this.
Don't lose your identity
If you're not leaving, we don't judge you. It's a tough decision. I interviewed a man who survived the 1935 Labor Day hurricane in the Florida Keys, on the roof of his flooded home. He never knew what happened to some of his brothers and sisters who disappeared from right next to him during the storm. If you're staying, write your name, social security number and date of birth on your skin — with a Sharpie.
We'll see you after the storm.
This article appears in Aug 31 – Sep 7, 2017.
