A person wearing purple horns with a purple dyed long mohawk and piercings at a Pride celebration. — Thessaloniki, Greece – June 25, 2016: Participants and members of the LGBT community during the 5th Gay and Lesbian Pride Festival in Thessaloniki. Credit: Ververidis Vasilis/Shutterstock

I’m a transmasc lesbian on the asexual spectrum. I love the thrill of meeting and flirting with girls of all kinds, but as soon as it gets too real and they show interest in me, I freeze up and can’t ghost them fast enough. I crave romantic and sexual connection, yet I still feel terrified by it. Am I some kind of theoretical sex addict, or just a messy bitch? How do I learn to just make friends with people without having to create expectations for something else?—Avoidant Asexual

Hi Avoidant, You haven’t provided much information about what you mean when you say you’re on the asexual spectrum, but what I’m hearing is this: You crave romance and sex, but for some reason you can’t follow through on those desires.

Have you had good sex? Think about what made past sexual encounters good or bad—just be honest with yourself and don’t invent reasons that aren’t there. If you’ve never had gay sex, I think you should explore it as a serious option since it seems to be weighing on you so much.

When you say you ghost people after they start showing too much interest, I take this to mean a lot of your flirting is over text. I gently suggest you stop doing that. If you feel as though you only enjoy an abstracted ideal of sex, you could benefit from grounding your interactions in the physical world. Seeing someone and being able to touch them, even just in a casual flirtatious way, will help your body and brain to connect and build an understanding of what you really like and desire.

Got a burning question? Ask a Dyke at sapphicsunfl.com/ask

Going on a date with someone in person also generally means that both sex and nonsexual romance are on the table. You and the person you’re out with can mutually reach an understanding of what you want. With enough prospects, you’re likely to find someone who matches your freak (or lack thereof). Every first date comes with a degree of experimentation and learning about yourself, but try not to let your dates be so experimental that you’re leading people on or making them feel used.

If you find yourself relying on flirting to make friends, you will probably be sorely disappointed to discover that these friendships come with a certain baggage, at least at first. You’ll also limit your field of friends to people who are attracted to you. Not all riffing is flirting! Try figuring out how to joke around with or otherwise connect with someone in a platonic way. Unfortunately, trial and error is going to be the most reliable way for you to do so. Buckle up!

You can go to Dyke Nite, documentary screenings, guided hikes, local DIY shows or just a bar on a busy night to meet more friends. Strike up conversations often and make it a goal to learn a lot about the person you’re talking to without giving mixed signals. The more genuinely interested you become in their life, the more you’ll find them wanting to talk with you. As long as you’re operating within reasonable bounds of what might be considered platonic and meeting relatively well-adjusted people, you should be free and clear of leading anyone on.

Yours in love, Jane Dyke

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